The Tip of the Iceburg

I believe in holding fast,
I believe that Love does last,
I believe that you are more,
Than what you seem to be waiting for.

I believe in Kingdom come,
Wholeheartedly and then some,
I believe in the end of death-
That in the end Love is all that is left.

I believe not because it is nice,
Or just to satisfy: For satisfied I AM-
I believe it because I see IT,
IT's sitting in your eye.

In the morning I walk in my garden as I chant the names of the Lord.
I see the plants along my wall, the grass - at the moment, dead and dry.
The garden itself is overgrown and bears no fruit at the moment,
It will take some work to clean it out, if I so desire.
There are some beautiful blue flowers, but right now many of them are dead.
I know the seasons come and go, and since childhood not lamented of them,
The thought never occurs to me.

Most of my attention sits upon the large, magnificent tree in the middle of my backyard.
The yard, the garden, the flowers, and myself, all walk beneath this mammoth of eternity,
Age unknown.

I leave and go out into the world, and I see flowers everywhere, some blossoming, some withering,
some are just seeds in the soil. Here I feel a longing for a fleeting moment, a despair,
But I soon remember that life grows, and flourishes, and this is just how Winter feels.
After Spring comes Summer, after Summer comes
The Fall, and after the Fall comes Winter, and then Summer again.

I will just water what I can as I walk by in this garden,
and meditate upon the Tree of Life that sits
above all, within all.
I water my own heart with the names of God, and and by doing so,
I overflow with Love as I walk through Life.
Peace is waiting to be seen in our sorrow, and
Love is waiting for a tender act of upon which it can soar.

Some plants and some people have meant more to me than others,
And as the seasons that pass through these souls drive me into deeper into my own,
I grow an appreciation
For the Spirit behind it all - the Tree of Life, the Heart of Love,
The Divine Heart unfolding.

My eyes now see,
and my ears now hear.

Winter is coming, and with it, some cold.
Only in the eternal season of Love, and complete acceptance,
do I find warmth year round, life round, existence round - eternal divinity.

When I fall, I remember her kind words, for I am as a child learning to walk,
and I remember the proverb that I have kept close to my heart for so long:

Never lament the bud for not being a flower. Every flower begins as a bud,
and every bud is already a flower.

When loneliness comes, I embrace it, and when tears come, I let them flow,
I relish them. I am alive, and
in my longing for my Lover she is present,
In my sorrow there is joy,
And in every moment there is my breath,
My beating heart, and the feelings that I am.

I found another Carlos Castenada book at my bookstore. Whenever I get to the point of being frazzled, of feeling out of control, dead, alone, and yet aware of this massive infinity that is slowly weaving me apart (if that makes any sense), I find one of his books.

This one was just sitting in the free box at my work, only, it was the only thing in the free box, and I think probably the only one I had not read yet. It was the last one Carlos wrote before he died.

In it don Juan Matus describes to Carlos how infinity, and his power of intent, which harnesses the infinity in a way that the mind cannot comprehend, had brought them together, and how from here on out reality would be shattered for Carlos.

I feel it.

I get home, thinking about all the things I could do, all the things I want to do, all the things I can't do, and how none of these seem to even touch that infinite, and the anxiety I carry peacefully at the moment. And so I lay here in my bed, staring at the ceiling, pondering at first, then just feeling: hearing the low pitched dead silent ring that sits in my ears when no other sound is present, and feeling that void open up to me, but also, the wall that I have created to keep myself from it. I began to see clearly my true self: full of knowledge, and complete awareness. I can only describe this self as a deep feeling that sits within, that shares none of the knowledge it has, for it simply is - and yet, drives the mind and the mindself crazy, for its presence seems to signify death.

Sure enough, the first sound I hear is a large bang, and a squeeling of brakes. Someone had just gotten into a car accident, and a horrible one, for there was no breaking heard before the loud crash, only for a few seconds afterward. Someone got caught completely unawares: someone was probably going to the hospital - someone might be dead. And someone was laughing at me, with a deep ominous boom. The voice of thunder.

I realize what I am doing now is gathering intent - not the kind of intent where one decides he is going to do something and starts making plans, or starts envisioning it, the kind of intent where one begins to hold on fiercely to absolutely nothing, to feel into his existence a re-emergence of reality so complete and so terrible that nothing before it will appear the same. While myself I crave it, my inner most being is it, my mindself, the me I am aware of, is terrified, and trying to hide from it.

No matter. Death is always right over your left shoulder. Those from whom I would seek comfort are either dead, long gone, or awaiting for me to emerge as something else.

I have a strange power to make the people I get closest to feel most uncomfortable around me, despite the Love they have for me. I am not saying this to make anyone reading this letter feel guilty or non loving, I am observing the workings of infinity.

I am Life, and I am Death, I am endless.

As I approach myself, I embrace a state of seeming constant joy and constant sorrow, both deepening together so strongly that I feel as if I am a black hole, and this black hole that I open to those I Love seems to be what inspires the lack of comfort around me, the fear of me. But it is not me they fear: it is It. I am afraid too. But I am too curious, too desperate, not to embrace It's presence.

Transcendental consciousness is obtained and sustained in devotion, and nothing else. Self realization comes before God realization, and even when a level of self-realization comes in which one begins to realize the presence of God's Supreme Personality, and to see it in every moment, one can still get pulled back into the cycles of his karma as they slowly come to a stop.

The primary difference is, once one has felt the presence of God, when one falls down again, no peace is possible any longer. In fact, the devotee is crying inside until God's presence is once again seen and felt: until the devotee on whatever level returns to God consciousness. Literally, nothing but tears and bitterness come from a devotee who has begun to see God and begins to once again disobey Him, to stray from Him. Part of the most erratic and trying part of the fruit of being a devotee and living with an awareness of God, one who has decided there is no other goal in life than the presence of the Supreme, eternal life and consciousness and being, is that the longing for this presence is unparalleled by anything else any longer.

"Greater than faith is Truth, for it is not the same to believe in Love as it is to be in Love, nor is it enough to believe in God and the Spiritual world, but that we long to be there, and once again with God."

I no longer believe in Love, I am in Love. I thought I was in Love with somebody once again, but I am just in Love. I am just in the heart of God. I wonder now if there is any other being in Love with, or if every level of that is an illusion: it is only somebody who is walking with you to God, and you both are always completely alone.

These teachings, and others, are really hitting home. My heart is tender, open, and for once easily crushing me when I resist it, and I realize that the depth of the teachings of Mother Rytasha was always something I considered to be fancy wording, beautiful poetry, to help it really absorb the people who read it and to really pull on their hearts. Now I begin to see how the devotee actually sees the world through such soft, sorrowful, yet ecstatic eyes.

"For I was as an exile in the land of my birth, a stranger among my own people. And in vain sought I, the Path Made Straight, the Path by which a man may come again to God."

When I do not chant, and my mind begins to take control, and I begin to allow my attachments and fear of losing them dictate my actions, and when I try to fight the attachment, I only become more and more bitter. When I take the time to chant, and come to that space with God, and from his eyes, begin to see= literally, see, not think - I guess realize is an adequate term, how I simply for a single moment, began to believe that that which I was hankering for the was the Source. There is a Path Made Completely Straight. It is so simple yet so huge, that stepping into it alone is a frightening experience, but also the only way one can truly step into this path.

I am alone. I have never accepted this completely, there has always been a backup plan, a future where this would not be the case. Now I see He wants me, alone. This is the call of this world.
"They know not that this world is but a test and a trial, a teaching, that real happiness lies with God alone."

This means nothing and everything: nothing in my life need change and everything in my life will change, is changing. Just bear with me, because I feel at times like I am walking out into a hot desert with no water, leaping off a cliff with no ground in sight, stepping out of myself, and looking back at a me I will never see again.

"It is the death of death you feel."

She is with me, every step of the way, the Beloved Lover of God.

Every desire ends with God and God alone, and when I lose sight of this, my hunger or thirst is no longer quenched by the Supreme Personality of Love, and therefore no longer quenched at all. Then the things I Love begin to become the things I hate, the things I do become meaningless and insignificant, I practically stop cold until I find His warmth again through it all, and each time, I am closer to Him, I see Him more clearly, and my faith in Him increases. And also with you.

We are getting much closer to election time. Tension is up and everywhere as to who will be president. I have watched as the focus has shifted from values, beliefs, and principles, to petty differences and battles about who has a cleaner past, who did what when.

John McCain took his campaign in a direction of hate, of attack against his candidate. Unable to catch the American heart and mind with his own, he has resorted to demoting and demoralizing the only other man in the world he should really feel anything deeply in common with right now. He has chosen a path of anger and hate. I have watched very little I admit, but it seems to me in response that Obama has seen this, attempted to point it out, and done little more than he had to in return simply to clarify the false areas of McCains approach, and even doing that I could see he felt he shouldn't even have to go there because this is not what this campaign and election is about, and he knows it.

If you support Obama, you support his ideals, not the man himself. Don't get pulled into these petty quabbles about who he had in his past association, or retaliate to the McCain campaign with the things like focusing on the fact that McCain's family owned slaves. McCain did not own slaves. I have never heard him say anything that denotes that he personally promotes slavery. Listen to his words, watch his actions, and discern the man from there.

We are not our families, we do not carry the burden of their actions, and no man should be held directly accountable for the actions of his father. Whatever one may have done in the past, good or bad, does not denote what they will do in the future: it simply denotes the path they took to the lessons they have learned. If you want this to be Truly revolutionary, a change for peace, then you need to focus on peace. Focus on the words that the candidates are saying about now. This is the campaign.

If you elect based on the past, you are electing the past. If you think the major driving force for change in our country is going to be who we ask to sit in that oval office, you are sorely mistaken. If you want someone to blame or look to to change things, you will find that person in the mirror.

We trip on the world today, and we suffer in the world today, completely of our own choosing.

You say you want peace, and yet many of you speak and act in ways that denote and spread fear, anxiety, apprehension, doubt, and anger.The largest area I see this happening in is with the election.

Obama supporters should be talking about how and why they would choose Obama, and what about him they admire or value. All I hear is hateful snide comments about McCain: Obama is almost never mentioned in conversations by Obama supporters anymore, unless it is to say how much better he is than McCain.

The enemy is not Republicans, it is not McCain: the enemy is hate, the enemy is a lack of Love.

The peace you seek will never come from a president. Only a spiritual revolution will bring peace. I guarantee it. It starts and ends with you. To spread anything other than this to others is to spread ignorance.

Live with Love for every and all living entities in every thought, word, and deed. Watch how fear and anger originate from your own thoughts, and no where else. Carry not the contamination of fear, the burden of anger. Only in this way will true peace be obtained, and only by living it will it manifest in your life.

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?

I stand in a desert. An infinite sky above me, warm sand below, and a vast dry valley in every direction. Around me appear houses, buildings, streets and cars: dogs and cats, sons and daughters, parents - children, and other variations. Wind comes blowing through my hair, caressing my skin and drying my eyes. From the sun emanates the light, the source of the life I know. I stand in a desert. There is no one here, and people everywhere. She comes to me and I embrace myself through her, in her, with her, as her. A smile appears, and when gone, still never left.

The Spirit is free,
Relentless, and infinite.
There are no bounds to it that we can perceive.
In fact, its goal is to teach us that it lies outside of the bounds of life, and the bounds of mind,
and therefore, whenever we define it, it sets out to show us how much more alive it is.
It adapts, like a virus, to our own hopeless ignorance, and as our ignorance takes new forms, the Spirit grows through them.

Man is a lone island,
and while he may come near another, his loneliness is only accented in this.
All islands have sand, and trees, and shores. In fact, they are part of the same earth.
There is no need to no longer be alone, for one was not alone in the first place.
We are together in commonality, in Spirit, in the One essence.
Why sacrifice the individuality we have in that for some more degrading sense of companionship?
A True companion is one who honors your individuality,
One who honors their own individuality,
One who Loves you because you do not complete them,
In fact, you seem to embody everything they could not and will not be,

For what greater beauty is there than two seeming contradictions coming together and living in harmony?
What greater hope could be gained than when softness and hardness fall in Love together,
Than when power and submission seem to be doing the same work,
Than when all we view as weakness and all we view as dominance come together,
And we see that this universe is perfect just the way it is, with no change other than our perceptions necessary?

What greater freedom can come than from simply knowing that anything done in Love is Loving, anything done in Love is True?

Who here was going to change the nature of nature itself before Peace could be achieved?
Who here was going to conquer and end death before one could defeat fear?
Who here was going to save the world from itself?

Accept this life, in all its amazing glory, both the glory of creation, and the glory of destruction.
Accept this life, and make it solely your own. From no other standpoint are you True.
Accept this life, and in doing so, accept your death.

You are a spirit soul. Never have you not existed, nor ever shall you not. Fear not death, trial, or tribulation, for nothing can touch your eternal nature. See the Truth in all you experience, and face every moment ready to live, and ready to die, for eternal, timeless, boundless Love.

Only here will you know Peace; only here will you see fear flee, and only here will you conquer death's illusion.
Only here are you alive.

Spare no moment.

God is amazing, and incredibly real. Only now do I realize how my devoted life has made me rely on His strength and sheer energy. When I begin to go outside of His will, I can feel it drain away, and what was once Grace and Beauty becomes pitiful and slimy almost. Only lately have I been tuned in enough to my instincts to even tell the difference in most cases, and now that I am, the realness of God and my dependence on Him is becoming clear in each moment.

As a devotee, there is nothing I can do but stay close to God. Stay close to that deep, sacred sense of reality, to that deep Love, that center circle. The mindset in that center is one of self-realization and healing as a constant process, never interrupted by any change in the material world, or spiritual for that matter. Never put on hold, relaxed - it is constant. Not because it has to be, but because I have spent enough time in it to become attached to the process of self-realization, and when I am not I get in a literal funk that affects me deeply.

This is a change from how it has been before. Before it was a mental thing, like, oh, I see that I am not on the path now. Now it is so instinctual, so heartfelt, that before I even know myself that I am falling from the path, I feel it, deep, in the heart. It is like literally being in Love with God, and He is walking behind me, and all the sudden I walk one way and he walks another, and before I even know He is not behind me anymore, I feel a panicky sensation, that causes me to turn around, and then I SEE that God is not there, AFTER I feel He is not there (really meaning, I am not there).

It is awesome, it is amazing: it is, to put it as accurately as possible: Lovely.

Writing is trying to speak from the heart,
While speaking is feeling with words to make thought,
And dreaming is making the outline of life,
Our hopes like the sun and our fears like a knife,
Generating the thoughts, emotions, and views;

While singing is flying with wind in the night,
And dancing is prancing with a wish of delight,
And playing is saying I'm here and I am,


*But only with Love, otherwise it's a sham.

In fact, if you read not all of these words,
This here last line is enough said, enough learned.

To hold again, to touch again,
to Trust again, that much again,
overwhelming,
so compelling,
the deepest thing,
the center ring,

To Love again:
a dove again,
flying high and free.

To feel again,
that real again,
the pain again,
insane again,
but to know for certain,
This time Love is True,
and to know only that I Love You.
Now, this is something somewhat new.

So I went to this club in LA last night to see a friend's band play. This friend is an amazing guitar player and an amazing soul in general. He is one of the few people I have met that sees the Truth of music in the same way I do, and sees the true mystical power of it.

His band was alright, but not life changing by any means, although his playing was the best in it. Afterwards I talked to a couple of the bandmates, two of them I didn't really connect with, but the guy who put the band together, we talked for a while about the music scene here.

The club we were at was called the Viper, and no better name could have been chosen, for it was a snake pit, on multiple levels of perception. In fact, as I was really diving into this view of the club, this punk band was playing, and the lyrics were perfect: "One day we will play this song to a bunch of snakes, one day we will play this song to a bunch of human snakes!!!! RAWWWWWRRAWWTWA!! etc... " and then the next song "which way do we go??? which way do we go??? WHICH WAY DO WE GOOOO?!?!?!" Ask and you shall receive. My mission was becoming clear. Time to become the snake charmer. Time to open the Doors, create the bridge to the dimension, and the irresistable pull of sound vibration to pull people into themselves and out onto the other side. Time to be a guide of sorts, shining the light from behind for those who walk in dark: to light the spark. Like Coltrane, on a mission from God Himself.

This band leader guy and I were talking about how people just come out now for some "scene", not to really hear the music so much as because there might be chicks (I was a tad guilty of this last night I must confess, but not in a desperate way, more like an excited child and an old man at the same time), or because there will be booze, or maybe their friend's friend plays in the band, etc. Afterwards this guy was so disheartened he swore he never would play there again, he might as well jam in the garage because he is not connecting to anyone out here anyways. Despite me thinking he might not be connecting with anyone because he is on stage with an attitude of disgust in the first place, I agreed with him because that was why I stopped playing in the first place. The only difference is I stopped because I always believed that a True sound will get to the heart, and I just wasn't making it True enough. I guess I still believe that, but I'm not so harsh nowadays with myself.

He took my number, wants to jam, wants to call me for studio gigs. I liked the guy, but I am more excited about some other things.

I always envisioned meeting some key individuals and starting a band, people with whom I felt like we had had a band in Heaven and just came down to get together again and play on earth: souls with whom I have an old old connection. I feel like this guitar player friend is definitely one of them. He looks a lot like Val Kilmer playing Jim Morrison in the Doors, but that is not why I like him, I swear! But I do believe nothing is a coincidence. Like my asian martial arts friend who just found a church he likes and the minister looks exactly like Jacky Chan. Now to mystically meet a drummer, maybe a bass, although Alex Balderston would be great if I could get him (he's a real important guy now you know), and whatever else comes along.

As the Chili Peppers say, "it won't be long because it can't be long."

I was playing Mario yesterday, and I realized how much everything in life seems to reflect this universal path of the life journey, and how Mario was a good example of that for sure.

First he's just a plumber, nothing big, but then his woman gets kidnapped by an evil lizard king and he has to go fight through minions, passing through one world after another, saving various other people as he goes, with the aid of magic mushrooms that make him much larger and able to take a hit and survive. He not only saves the princess, but the kingdom itself. Yep, pretty much my life story, hehe! Except I think I'm the princess too, and the lizard king. All in One!

I find myself in a somewhat nihilistic state of existence at the moment. At first I fought it, you know, Peace and Love for all, but now I am seeing it is a natural reaction of my spiritual path, because a lot of sympathy and compassion we might try to give people habitually actually supports fears and illusions that they have that are holding them back, and so by being compassionate when that compassion is not real: or, not driven by passion (comPASSIONate), but out of, as the Joker puts it so well, "some misplaced sense of self-righteousness", not only am I not really showing compassion at all, but I am solidifying their unreal state of fear or anger by adding another source of confirmation that it is real.
The illusion only falls apart Truly when the person sees, first hand - actually experiences - has an ephiphany or whatever you want to call it, revelation - of how the entire thing he is afraid of is entirely a product suspended in his own mind, and was created and maintained by none other than himself (or herself, I am not sexist, I am simple). I literally have nothing to say when these moments come up: something about my meditation lately has been keeping me more and more in the dimension of the source of things, of Truth, that when people create these abstract horrors I just can't even relate anymore.

So when people start going off about stuff that I clearly see and feel is not really real at all, and seek sympathy for it, sometimes I can't do anything but look them in the eyes and sigh. I am sorry if this happens to you, please don't take it personally. Or take it personally, if you feel it as such. So be it. Love is Truth, and Sacred.

As a message that I feel right now because of some of the stuff I am having to rip my way through right now, I just want to yell this out, because this is something I am getting quite tired of and want to start putting energy out to keep it from my reality:

Don't talk to me about being a victim of anything or anybody, and how the world is conspiring against you and how you just can't trust people. In fact, any complaints that exonerate the self are things I just don't need to hear. You created it, you asked for it: I would Love to help you see how you created and asked for these things, with your own views, thoughts, and actions, but I am not going to help anyone berate anyone else. If you're not cleaning up your side of the street, your never going to be at peace with anything going on in the world, good or bad, and the only thing you can fix or have any sort of control over (and that is proving to be more and more limited than I imagined) is yourself. Start there, and everything else unfolds.

How do you write a livejournal?
Has anyone thought about this?

There seem to be a few ways, like:

You can write as if it is just your journal and you don't directly acknowledge anyone else is going to read it, but you know, and therefore phrase things a certain way and say some and don't say other things.

Then you can see the person later and act like nothing was ever said that was said on the journal. Even slip little hints about how you feel, angry, sad, or in love, with somebody, and then it is like because it is on here there is a lid on it, regardless of the fact that both parties are fully aware of what was said, and in intelligent cases, what was meant.

Or you can write directly as if you are talking to your friends or whomever the audience is. This way seems to me to be the best because there is less of a bullshit factor, but then again, it is not a journal really is it? Maybe there is a middle ground, like a journal that is still obviously written to somebody, to the point where it can't not be acknowledged in person? Almost sarcastically a journal?


Where is the border or the division between acceptable bluntness and kind of disheartening bluntness?


Like when I wanna date someone, there are so many things I want to say right off the bat, like how incredibly beautiful they are (I am very picky so these things are things I always naturally want to say to someone I want to date because I wouldn't want to date them otherwise), how they are an inspiration to me, to see another soul that I feel so close to going through this life just like me, and at the same time, in a completely different way.

I want to tell them that there presence seems to brighten up my moments, and how I feel warm, comfortable, and safe in those circumstances, in such a way as that:

When they are there, they are a living example outside of myself of how there is a spiritual world, a divine spark inside everyone, and all doubts are laid to rest in the presence of the proof that they are a living embodiment of, and when it is them I can't help but see it.

Even when they are not there, I feel the same peace, just knowing that we are here on the same mission, no matter what happens to either or any of us with whom I share this particular bond. I almost feel guilty for not missing them or longing for them when they are not there, but then I see that this is True Love, not the having, but just the Loving, and it excites me that I have found this feeling and freedom. It is almost as if there is just Love, and anything I feel for me I feel for her, and vice versa, because of the unity in the purity of it. The only impure part of it is that it isn't being screamed at the top of my lungs to the whole universe, but that's where the music comes in for the world, and for her, hopefully growing some balls to say these things in person.

Now about the bluntness, can you say these things right off the bat, or do you have to go on a date first? I don't think I could do the date first because these things would be sitting on the tip of my tongue, distracting me, until the issue of expressing this was settled. I don't know, that is just how I am.

I mean, just looking into her eyes all night, wondering, "does she know this? Does she see this every time she looks in the mirror? Maybe not, because I don't always. I know it is there, but sometimes I forget about it until I am reminded, so I would Love to do her the courtesy, because whatever else we are going through or doing or wherever our bodies might be at at that particular moment can add nothing to the eternal peace and joy of that knowledge, you know? I mean really, all moments come and go except that moment with yourself, it is the moment by which the potential of every other dimension of moment is gauged."




Is this not romantic enough? I guess the date idea is beautiful, but that was never how I pictured it. I always pictured myself as one of those guys who just comes right out with the I Love You up front, kind of like Jim Morrison, when he sees Pam for the first time, follows her home from Venice Beach, sneaks into her back yard while shes there alone (her parents' house), and just says, "I followed you home." And she says, "why?" And he says, "because you are the One."

I guess the difference between Jim and I besides that being the 70's and probably a little less creepy than it would be now is that I am the one, and God is the One, and I Love everybody, but can only truly share with some. Perhaps this is a flaw of mine, in fact, it must be because this universe is me and I created it and whatever blah blah blah - I Love everybody, but some have the ability to receive my Love in its raw form, and return something true enough to appease my hunger.



The big realization I had yesterday was that with Rebecca, the reason we are not friends now is because I did not tell her how I felt right upfront: I did not live as if death could take me at any moment. If I had come on to her as hard as I did 6 months into our friendship right when I met her, boyfriend or not, it would have been such an honest move that we would probably at least be friends now.

Then I already started doing the same thing with somebody who I also fell for in the first glance, and even though at the time I was more ready, I held back because of a close friend who had already expressed interest.

This is a long post and I feel like it could still go on, but I feel like the beast that snuck in and was feeding on my heart garden at night has been found and shot, and you don't need to hear about how it bleeds to death.

It is almost as if there are two layers to this world:

I notice it in basically two different states of consciousness, of perception, one being:

People we know, things we know, places we know, times we know, memories and all the structure that comes with it: basically, the world of form, of definition, and of knowledge and knowing, a solid mass of our general sense of the world, seemingly concrete, but obviously quite vague and dreamlike if really analyzed or looked at. This slowly grows from our childlike conception of how things should be as we have our own direct experience of things we fantasized or had a certain impression of before.

The other is almost pure feeling based, like life is constantly breathing, and you can feel the in, and the out, and flow of energy: see the emotions and feelings of those around you, feel the tenderness of an open heart and the constant living intensity that underlies every moment of our existence. In this state one can sense the universal consciousness, one gets a feeling of the oversoul of our entire existence and how each of us is an expression of the same divine spark, the same bright white light, the same glowing Love.

I have had phases of being primarily in one or primarily in the other of these two states. They both are equally important, for even though the feeling based state seems to be what many would consider to be enlightenment, I don't believe this to be entirely true. I believe the eternal nature is one that unifies both of these states of consciousness.

This has been coming to mind as I begin to dive back into my analysis of music, and once again ponder the nature of a relationship, two subjects that for whatever reason seem to be deeply interlinked.

I would say that state one, the knowing and form based state, can be connected with the masculine, or yang energy mode of output. We use these forms and knowledge to express our divine nature into the world, and to connect to the world around us.

The second state is more feminine, or yin. It is incredibly perceptive and receptive, yet often difficult to combine with action.

In music the difficulty lies in creating a stage, a form (the song), in which one can still reach infinite levels of complete spontaniety: using the form based state of consciousness as a stage for the expression of the organic state: using the knowledge of the art we perform to create a bridge between our spontaneous, free, infinite self to the world and to other souls.

In a relationship, I find that most often one person takes a more predominantly masculine role, and the other feminine: not to say this has anything to do with man or woman. In fact, I would say that I feel like I would most definitely be the more woman-feminite type in any relationship. Of course, I am a Virgo though.

Both of these areas in life, as well as any other, but especially for me, and from my perspective, seemingly for most of the world, serve as the grounds for the merging of these two states of self into one, the unfolding of the ourselves we have formed into the us that is eternal and unlabeled, the acquiring of the True vision of reality.

I don't know any person, however bitter, or tired, or depressed - or vibrant, happy, and strong, that does not have some Love of music, and some Love of a lover, whether ex or current, or a distant dream. What events do people get the most excited over? Concerts, clubbing, dating - movies, restaurants with a little italian band, walks down by the beach, travel to foreign lands, etc. So let me add nature to that list on second thought. Nature, music, relationships - Love.

For me, each of these areas, when I dive into them, seems to have the spirit of God dwelling all around me, all about me, within me, and within the ones I commune with. Musicians speak straight to my soul, they become my gurus, my guides, and my deepest comfort.

There is something about a musician when he sings directly about your problem and gives you hope and love when he knows nothing about you and the specific situation you think your in that makes you universal, and makes your problem seem so temporary, and lets you know there is someone there with you.

There is something about the True Love of a healthy relationship that gives you the same sense of companionship, to see yourself in another, to see a goddess or god that is so incredibly divine, that is worshipable, and to realize this person feels the same way about you.

There is something about nature and the peace it has, despite the daily gore and death it undergoes. There is a certainty in nature of the infinite reality of this universe, the cycle that can never be broken, and the guarantee that after every winter there is a spring, and that everything blooms effortlessly in the end. There is no need for a struggle, just a surrender.

Now, how do I combine all of these for my life mission here? So the pondering continues...

Gonna live with John! WOOT!

The idea of being in a real, connective relationship with a woman scares me, and I am just realizing it now. It is like, the only thing I still have a strong desire for right now in this world, and at the same time, it is frightening. Some people need them, can't go on without them, and I think I have the same problem, but in exact opposite. My whole life I have been so alone, so independent, that to allow myself to Love someone else that deeply in that way, is frightening! I feel like I am ok with death, just fine with it for myself, but what about another person? I mean, it is like a Love that you are guaranteed to lose in a way.

What if I die, and the other person really really really loved me, and then suffered immensely for a long time. Or what if she died, and I had to go on completely without this person whom I maybe perhaps Loved more than myself (all philosophy aside at the moment, just dealing with feelings).

Or, what if I fell in Love with them, and they didn't Love me back (ring any bells?), and I had to go through that pain again of Loving and not being Loved in return...

There is something about these women whom I feel I could Love deeply, like a deep vacuum in their eyes, to their soul, and if I jump in, everything may happen, or nothing may happen, but I don't get to know and I will be powerless to do much either way once I make that leap or open that door. It is a level of surrender that I am not accustomed to.

Man, listen to me, all of this inspired just by the thought of this girl I am thinking of asking out. I am such a Virgo!

I saw Rebecca again, and bam, it was intense, it was a wave of emotion, and then bam. It was over. Seeing her again reconnected her to reality for me, and made her equal and real, and human. One among many, one of a kind. I don't claim to know the future, but I do know the now, and I honestly believe that hunger is no longer for her, if it ever was, but now for the Truth to set all the Rebecca's in the world free, as well as the one inside of me. I hunger for the free soul, but what I seek in a relationship I realize now is totally different than what I was thinking it was.

Oh God, I pray, I beg, I plead,
Give me one with whom to share,
Give me one who will listen,
Who will cry with me,
Who will lie with me,
Who will dance with me,
In trance with me,
Not afraid of me,
Unconditionally:
Loving, spontaneous, free,
and burning with Truth.

Someone who will hold me when I break,
Love me when I hate,
Strike me down when my crown,
Becomes light upon my head and then
Cover me with kisses sweet.

Someone who inspires me,
Desires me,
Teaches me, preaches me,
Worships me when I can't see,
Any good at all in me.

A companion to whom I can always turn,
And even if I had to burn,
She would burn with me,
But only at Your request.

Most of all Oh Lord I pray,
She be another one whom can say,
She would throw even me away- for You.

I don't think I have ever seen a better acting performance than Heath Ledger's joker. It was unbelievable. If you haven't seen Dark Knight yet, it is a must. I didn't even know who Heath Ledger was by name, and still didn't during the movie, but then afterwards I looked him up online and was like, oh, that guy? THAT GUY?!? NO WAY!! Man, nailed it, just flat out nailed it. What a beautiful movie. That movie has the what I think of as the trinity of life approaches: you have the DA, who is like the great public figure who is actually great and actually willing to die to do good, and be a leader, and then you have got batman, who is not only willing to die but fearless, and fears no evil at all, so therefore is able to meet the darkness in its own territory, and then you have the joker, who is nihilistic, and doesn't fear death, in fact, seems to crave it, but wants to shake up the illusion a little on his way.