Kindred

Today was a good day compared to how they've been for the last week or two de ma vie. I'm going to bore you with a list of today's mundane activities, because they're human activities after all, and human activities deserve a listing... right, field of anthropology?

I woke up around 9 or 10, possibly 9:30, possibly at another time. I lied languid in bed in my underwear almost sweating from the heat. For some reason, my room is always the coldest and always the hottest in the house. I ate breakfast, granola and yogurt, mmmm mmmmmm... wouldn't the Hog Farm be proud? I changed and went to cvs because its the closest market to my house and bought a bar of dr. bronner's soap... tea tree or some bullocks. I came back home and ran two miles, took a shower, tried to sit in padmasana but couldn't pull off the half-lotus because this muscle near my left calve still hurts. I considered starting my essay. I got a little worried, it's due monday at 9am. I decided to get the chords for House of the Rising Sun instead and I learned the song and then sang and played it to myself once without fucking up. It's easy, as with many things worth doing, everything is difficult at first until you realize that it's easy, and that it was very easy all along.

A minor, C, D minor, F, E minor.

I learned No Rain by blind melon as well, but I can't get the hammer-on between G and Em right, and I need to work on not losing the rhythm.

After all of that I got into my car to drive to work and as I peeled my sweating body from the unbearably unnecessary leather seats that attract more heat than the sun's asshole, I had a thought of christmas below the equator in the middle of the summer heat and kids running on the beach flying their new kites Santa just gave them. I also had a thought of translocation. I'd rather be in San Francisco where it's still hot but at least I couldn't complain, or in Oregon where it's cold and wet and 10,000 acres are covered in green forests and redwoods that block out red sunburns.


Forcing yourself not to like a girl means not liking any girl, for me anyway. Yesterday my manager Tiana and the girl who said she'd fuck me if she didn't have a girlfriend talked about that while I was standing cornered between them in the kitchen. I didn't feel flattered or conquering or masculine. I honestly just felt uncomfortable, such that I subconsciously grabbed a napkin and started playing with it. Not that the girl cared, she's the type of person who couldn't give one and a half flying fucks that you didn't recognize how *fabulous* she is... Cocaine's her drug of choice. That uncomfortable part of yesterday ended and today began anew.

My whole demeanor changed when she (not the previous she, but she she I'm forcing myself not to like) came on to work today. The cooks and dishwashers in the back speak to me in spanish sometimes and one of them said today that I looked happy when I came in and now I look sad or mad or just in a negative mood, and I said yeah motherfucker and we laughed and went about our business. But suddenly I was aware of this fact and also that my breathing grew shallow whenever I talked to her, so I'd been avoiding making conversation until she started talking to me about renting a house and moving in, again, so I decided to drink a large amount of kava from the juicebar, after which Godzilla could have clawed into my torso and grabbed a kidney and I wouldn't have flinched. She said she'd taken some vicodin before work that her mom had brought back from Mexico. Good times. My shift was almost over so I made myself a drink and she showed me her cat's clawed scratches on the inside of her left thigh. Goddamm you. The last image I need in my head is of her lifting up her black dress half way up her thighs to show me her cat's scratches. Another thing to deal with. Another thing in mind. I left when my shift was over and got home to start writing my essay. It took me an hour less than expected, which is why I had the time to lie here in bed and write this to you guys, and it is for you guys, if it were for me I wouldn't write it, I know about my life. I know what i do and think....most of the time. My essay turned out really well. Now I've run out of things to say for the moment, so I'll let the moment pass in itself. Namaste.

either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when i was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb,unsophisticated.
I had bad blood,a twisted
mind, a precarious
upbringing.

I was hard as granite,I
leered at the
sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no
woman....

cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of
peace in cheap
rooms
just staring at the
knobs of some
dresser
or listening to the
rain in the
dark.
the less i needed
the better i
felt.

maybe the other life had worn me
down.
I no longer found
glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting the
body of some poor
drunken female
whose life had
slipped away into
sorrow....

I began to see things:
coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a
cafe.
or a dog walking along
a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there
with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked
at me
and they were
beautiful.
then- it was
gone....

it was suggested that i sell my outside lands ticket in order to pay the $500+ in bills i have this month...


HA!


i will never remember this month in debt like i will remember an experience that will forever become a part of my blood. this life is temporary let us go in peace to love and serve the coming infinite experience.

i've been updating less and less. that's probably a good thing for all who read this considering what has become of the content. my finals are this week and i am in no way ready. what i AM ready for is not having to worry about them anymore. que sera, sera.

karin is home as of saturday and i get to see her today as a means of distraction from my work. syl will be home wednesday also. my sister's birthday was friday and she got a wii. i've been playing tennis much too much. bad timing. there's been a lot on my mind that as of right now is just emotional splotches of dark paint with scarce enlightening streaks of yellow and turquoise. summer is here and i am dripping with sweat and fear/excitement.

i've been having very strange dreams.

Drinking on the job at Mother's was a favorite pass-time of mine while Andrew was still closing manager. It really was a decent way to pass the time. Cancerous crabs poked out of their shells, people were nicer, and customers and gluttons seemed less unbearable. That was Fun Sundays, what Aleks said to describe why I would stay until 11:30 when my shift ended a full three hours before. The evening chef (there's only one), his name's Chepe. Of the first 8 words he speaks to me when I see him every shift, "did you bring something today" are usually always the first handful. Today I told him, like I tell him always, that sorry, I can't...I'm not 21 for another month. "Ya wey, next month ok?" I guess he finally got tired of waiting today and instead went around the kitchen and deli collecting enough money to fund a trip to Ralph's on his lunch break and a handle of Ancient Age kentucky whiskey and a few bottles of coke. It's Tara's last day in the restaurant before she goes to Japan so we start at around 8, but I'm weary about still doing my job. I'm less concerned with my manager finding out than with the customers taking a sudden sharp breath as I'm leaning toward them at a 40 degree angle only 2 feet away. I remember walking pass someone and smelling beer on his breath in the lobby of the building where Marlena's film screening was held. And then I remember that Aleks had come drunk to work most every shift toward the end of last summer, and how she's still working and all. I say fuck it and go about my business. I miscount the restaurant's money by $100 and I freak out for a minute and a half and then Tara counts it and we're good. I don't drink all at once, for once, I say "restrain." Within an hour the buzz from my drink has worn off and I'm enjoying the sharpness of mind that comes with the death of hundreds or thousands of my slowest neurons. I think about the alcohol used in some religious rituals: the wine at communion, and drinking wine during a vajrayana rituals. I'm thinking of the "tantric gifts" tilopa gave naropa: a sack full of meat and wine. How nothing is vile, nothing must be avoided; and everything is holy, everything is useful; how the conception of eating meat or drinking wine as wrong or morally destitute is a reflection of our own attachments to its opposite. I'm thinking of when Mara tempted Buddha, he did so through his daughters, whose names translate into "Greed," "Lust" and "Aversion/ Hatred," and how Buddha was only enlightened after recognizing Mara and his daughters as nothing more than his own subconscious mind -- "the false being within," to quote Christopher McCandless. To lust or want or crave or covet is no better than to immerse yourself in its opposite (avoiding out of hatred or dislike), and both extremes must be avoided, the false being killed, the One realized. All this I'm thinking about when I got home after work. I'd been planning to at least outline my essay due monday morning for the Confucius class....

So I start to read the material. It plays a pretty melody and I'm singing the harmony...


"The mind is one and principle is one. Perfect truth is reduced to a unity; the essential principle is never a duality."

"Humanity is the same as mind and principle. 'Seek and you find it' means to find this principle. It is the principle that constitutes the love for parents, reverence for elders, and the sense of alarm and commiseration when one sees a child about to fall into a well..."

"The Tao fills the universe. It does not hide or escape from anything. With reference to Heaven, it is called yin and yang (passive and active cosmic forces). With reference to Earth, it is called strength and weakness. With reference to man, it is called humanity and righteousness."

"First build up the nobler part of your nature and then the inferior part cannot overcome it. It is because people fail to build up the nobler part of their nature that it is overcome by the inferior part. In consequence they violate principle and become different from Heaven and Earth."

"Human beings living in the world all share the same material force. It is in accordance with moral principles that they should support each other in doing good and stop each other from doing evil. Why should there be any idea to divide one another? And why should there be any idea of imposing one's will?"

"A student must make up his mind. To read books and merely understand their literal meaning means not to have made up one's mind. The Tao in the universe cannot be augmented or diminished. Neither can it be taken or given away. Man must find this out for himself." [note: law of conservation of energy, in physics: 'energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only transfered and changed']

"If one can completely develop his mind, he will become identified with Heaven."

"The Teacher said, 'What you say is also details. However, this is not your fault, my friend, it is the fault of the entire world. When scholars read today, they only try to understand words and do not go further to find out what is vital. As to feeling, the nature, the mind, and capacity, they are all one thing in general and simply happen to be expressed differently."

"The four directions plus upward and downward constitute the spatial continuum. What has gone by in the past and what is to come in the future constitute the temporal continuum. The universe (these continua) is my mind, and my mind is the universe."





If I were a good student I'd have read this weeks ago and written a paper comparing Lu Hsiang-Shan and Spinoza. But alas, I'm still only me. Cheers.

seek_abroad
Meet people from all over the world.

fotojournals
Post your photos for other photographers to see.

food_ish
Share successful, disastrous or otherwise amusing food stories, photos and recipes.

I've kind of secretly liked this song since Jackie put it on the mix she gave me way back when.

Associated Press
YANGON, Myanmar May 14, 2008, 05:43 pm ET

The Red Cross estimated Wednesday that the cyclone death toll in Myanmar could be as high as 128,000 — a much higher figure than the government tally. The U.N. warned a second wave of deaths will follow unless the military regime lets in more aid quickly.

The grim forecast came as heavy rains drenched the devastated Irrawaddy River delta, disrupting aid operations already struggling to reach up to 2.5 million people in urgent need of food, water and shelter.

"Another couple of days exposed to those conditions can only lead to worsening health conditions and compound the stress people are living in," said Shantha Bloemen, a spokeswoman for UNICEF.

A tropical depression in the Bay of Bengal added new worries, but late in the day forecasters said it was weakening and unlikely to grow into a cyclone.

Myanmar's government issued a revised casualty toll Wednesday night, saying 38,491 were known dead and 27,838 were missing.

The International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies, however, said its estimate put the number of dead between 68,833 and 127,990. The Geneva-based body said the range came from a compilation based on other estimates from 22 different organizations, including the Myanmar Red Cross Society, and on media reports.

Even though the figures seemed precise, spokesman Matthew Cochrane said they were not based on body counts, but were only rough estimates designed to provide Red Cross donors and partner organizations with an idea of the numbers being discussed within the aid community.

U.N. officials have said there could be more than 100,000 dead.

The Red Cross estimated the number of people needing help after cyclone surged over the low-lying delta on May 3 at between 1.64 million and 2.51 million.

But the junta still refused to accept help from foreign aid experts, who have vast experience in handling humanitarian crises.

It insisted Myanmar can handle the disaster on its own — a stance that appeared to stem not from the isolationist regime's ability but from its deep suspicion of most foreigners, who have frequently criticized its human rights abuses and crackdowns on democracy activists.

"The government has a responsibility to assist their people in the event of a natural disaster," said Amanda Pitt of the U.N. Office for Humanitarian Affairs.

"We are here to do what we can and facilitate their efforts and scale up their response. It is clearly inadequate, and we do not want to see a second wave of deaths as a result of that not being scaled up," she said.

Myanmar's prime minister, Lt. Gen. Thein Sein, told visiting Thai Prime Minister Samak Sundaravej on Wednesday that the government was in control of the situation and didn't need foreign experts.

"They have their own team to cope with the situation," Samak said after returning to Bangkok. He said the junta gave him a "guarantee" that there was no starvation or disease outbreaks among survivors.

But critics say the government is woefully lacking in helicopters, trucks and boats as well as planning expertise needed to distribute aid to survivors, who have jammed into monasteries and relief centers or are camping outside.

U.N. agencies and other voluntary groups have been able to reach only 270,000 of the affected people, said Elisabeth Byrs of r the U.N. Office for Humanitarian Affairs in Geneva.

She said the World Food Program would need 55,000 tons of rice to feed 750,000 people for three months, but the agency had been able to ship in only 361 tons so far.

The junta did grant approval Wednesday for a Thai medical team to visit the delta, said Dr. Thawat Sutharacha of Thailand's Public Health Ministry. If the team goes as scheduled Friday, it will be the first foreign aid group to work in the ravaged delta.

Myanmar has limited the few international aid workers in the country to Yangon, the country's biggest city, and used police to keep foreigners from going to the delta.

The government gave a little ground to demands that it let in more experts. It announced it would allow in 160 relief workers from neighboring countries — India, China, Bangladesh and Thailand. It was not clear whether they would be permitted to go to the delta.

In New York, U.N. humanitarian chief John Holmes welcomed the junta's move. But he said it was not enough and demanded that Myanmar open its borders to foreign relief specialists and let outsiders work in the Irrawaddy delta.

"The relief getting through under the kind of restrictions we're operating under is by no means adequate to the task, and it's hard to see how just continuing with the status quo can ever be sufficient in the current critical time period that we're working in," Holmes said.

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called a meeting of key donors and Myanmar's neighbors to weigh options for speeding aid to cyclone victims.

"Even though the Myanmar government has shown some sense of flexibility, at this time it's far, far too short," he said. "The magnitude of this situation requires much more mobilization of resources and aid workers."

He also expressed frustration that he had not been able to arrange direct talks with the junta's chairman, Senior Gen. Than Shwe, despite repeated phone calls and letters.

While it has kept out all but a few foreign aid workers, the regime has accepted tons of provisions sent by international donors, including the United Nations and the United States.

Five U.S. C-130 military transport planes delivered drinking water, blankets, mosquito nets and plastic sheets Wednesday. Lt. Col. Douglas Powell said 197,080 pounds of provisions had been sent in on eight U.S. flights since Monday.

Adm. Timothy J. Keating, head of the U.S. Pacific Command, said he did not get the junta's formal approval for American aid flights when he met with the Myanmar navy commander Monday in Yangon. But he said Myanmar officials were allowing the planes to fly in.

"In approving our flight plans, they are giving us permission — it is kind of implicit permission," Keating said in an interview with National Public Radio's "Morning Edition" program.

The State Department renewed an appeal for the junta to allow in outside disaster relief experts and more assistance. "This is not a political issue. This really is simply a humanitarian issue," said deputy spokesman Tom Casey.

The European Union's top aid official, Development Commissioner Louis Michel, said he was not opposed to the idea of parachuting aid into Myanmar, but said he did not think it was workable. Others have suggested unilateral air drops to circumvent the junta's restrictions.

Iron Man was really pretty dumb, but at least the experience was shared amongst friends. If I'd been green I would've fallen asleep or probably just disliked it even more, I like the clarity that comes with not inhaling anything for a couple of days, so at least nothing is ever truly wasted. good times. goodnight.

the cold cold evening air
chiiiiiiiiiiiiiills ma bones
and kisses the stones
that i stand on
top of a small mountain in irvine
with two dogs
and a holyman.


tonight is extremely cold for some reason, fuck this weather. it rained this morning. I finished the peace flag project, finally. My lungs actually hurt after inhaling cannon marker fumes in the garage for 3 and a half hours. Iron Man hopefully tonight with Leslie and Alex.

“How can I set free anyone who doesn't have the guts to stand up alone and declare his own freedom? I think it's a lie – people claim they want to be free – everybody insists that freedom is what they want the most, the most sacred and precious thing a man can possess. But that's bullshit! People are terrified to be set free – they hold on to their chains. They fight anyone who tries to break those chains. It's their security…How can they expect me or anyone else to set them free if they don't really want to be free?”

What Jim didn't fully realize when he said this quote, and I think he was realizing near the end of his life, when he began to become more God-conscious, rarely being seen without his cross around his neck, and making his last book of poetry "An American Prayer", was that it is not the "I" that sets anyone free. It is when one can let go of the "I" at key times, and take the stance of the Absolute, that we can help others free themselves. As Jesus says He is the son of God, he shows us the necessity for strength when we know we are in a state of Absoluteness. At the same time, Jesus knew that He was nothing with the Father, and He does nothing without the Father. This is the ultimate duality of humility, nailed very precisely by don Juan when he describes the humility of the warrior.

"A warrior takes his lot, whatever it may be, and accepts it in ultimate humbleness. He accepts in humbleness what he is, not as grounds for regret but as a living challenge."

"The warrior lowers his head to no one, but at the same time, he doesn't permit anyone to lower his head to him. The beggar, on the other hand, falls to his knees at the drop of a hat and scrapes the floor for anyone he deems to be higher; but at the same time, he demands that someone lower than his scrape the floor for him.
"That is why I told you earlier today that I didn't understand what masters felt like. I know only the humbleness of a warrior, and that will never permit me to be anyone's master."

Then he provides the ultimate key to mystical freedom in the Absolute:

I was involved in those deliberations when the same strange tapping noise jolted me out of my thoughts. Don Juan smiled and then began to chuckle.
"You like the humbleness of a beggar," he said softly. "You bow your head to reason."

Isn't it the ultimate arrogance to think that our reason, based on our subjective, tiny, finite awareness, could provide answers above the ultimate Truth of experience and feeling, of the One, of God?

Freedom is a mindset of determination, of single pointed focus! Hare Krishna!

Opening to a page of Gravity's Rainbow at random:


"This morning's streets are already clattering, near and far, with wood-soled civilian feet. Up in the wind is a scavenging of gulls, sliding, easy, side to side, wings hung out still, now and then a small shrug, only to gather lift for this weaving, unweaving, white and slow faro shuffle off invisible thumbs....Yesterday's first glance, coming along the esplanade in the afternoon, was somber: the sea in shades of gray under gray clouds, the Casino Hermann Goering flat white and the palms in black sawtooth, hardly moving... But this morning the trees in the sun now are back to green. Leftward, far away, the ancient aqueduct loops crumbling, dry yellow, out along the CAP, the houses and villas there baked to warm rusts, gentle corrosions all through Earth's colors, pale raw to deeply burnished."

That was the opening to the section of the book called "Un Perm' au Casino Hermann Goering."
I've decided I'm finally going to take up reading this book.



I was listening to NPR on the way to my Confucius class today, it was all about the cyclone in Myanmar and the 7.8 earthquake in China (they said the deathtoll is up around 10,000 now). I started to get kind of uncomfortable with all of this sad news and how it was making me feel so I decided to listen to music instead. Then I had a thought of contempt for myself for doing that, I thought, I'm shutting myself off to this because I don't want to hear it, I'm only putting up another plastic shade to blind myself from other people's suffering. I'm only perpetuating illusion. Ignorance is only bliss when we do not know we are ignorant. So I turned the station back to KPCC and listened until I felt that 'thing' (for lack of a better word) in my chest cavity and the feeling of sadness was overwhelming such that I took a few deep and calm breaths until it went away. Then in class when we were talking about something to do with Chi and the Great Ultimate and nature and the mind, a small spider, thick and black, started moving in my direction. I used to have a mild phobia of spiders, and I felt this small smooth river of anxiety wash over me because I knew I wasn't going to step on it, but I also didn't want anyone else to step on it either. The girls sitting to my right and left were getting visibly uncomfortable, but they weren't doing anything either. Then the spider moved toward the girl to my right and sat under her seat for a few minutes while she tried to reach under and kill it with her fat wooden heel. I thought about getting out a piece of paper and escorting the spider outside, but I then I thought that it'd be a little creepy if the spider started running toward me while I was carrying it on the paper. So I sat there and stared at it, down to my right. I kept doing this back and forth between paying attention to what was being discussed and looking at the spider. I thought I'd say a little prayer for it, as awkward as that sounds, and it did to me too when I had the thought; although, it wasn't a prayer as much as a hope for its happiness and wellbeing, and if it would please not move around too much because a lot of people have this thing with spiders and we're liable to feel anxious when we see one. I tried to generate a feeling of love for it, though it wasn't as strong as when I have that feeling when thinking about the world-at-large. Nothing much happened after that. The spider moved to the corner behind me and stayed there through the last 4 minutes of class.

I know this whole praying for spiders thing sounds really weird. But fuck, I had a pretty great conversation with the girl at work I've been hung up about in my dream last night. And I received the sweetest kiss from a girl I used to know a long time ago. I remember how it felt exactly, and I can still feel it on my lips. So if I can talk to someone who isn't in the same room as me and kiss someone I haven't seen in a very long time, in my dreams and in my mind, why can't I talk to spiders as well? Call me loco coco.

NPR.org, May 12, 2008

The Chinese state media estimated that thousands of people were killed in a major earthquake that struck Sichuan province Monday, toppling a school and collapsing buildings.

State media reported that up to 5,000 people were killed in a single county, and 900 students were trapped after their school collapsed.

The U.S. Geological Survey reported the quake as magnitude 7.8. It struck around 2:28 p.m. local time, when schools and office buildings were full. The tremors sent thousands of people rushing from buildings and into the streets in Beijing and Shanghai. It was felt as far away as Pakistan, Vietnam and Thailand.

The official Xinhua News Agency said 3,000 to 5,000 people had died in Beichuan county in Sichuan province, and another 10,000 people there were believed to be hurt.

Xinhua reported that four of the dead were ninth-grade students killed when their high school collapsed. Photos showed heavy cranes trying to remove rubble from the ruined school. Xinhua did not say how many of the students were feared dead.

The news agency said its reporters in Juyuan township, about 60 miles from the epicenter, saw buried teenagers struggling to break loose from under the rubble of the three-story building, while others were crying out for help.

Two girls were quoted by Xinhua as saying they escaped because they had "run faster than others."

The quake's epicenter was 60 miles northwest of Chengdu, in largely Tibetan-inhabited areas. Roads and communication links to the remote area have been severed.

The Ministry of Civil Affairs told Xinhua that the 107 dead had been killed in Sichuan, Gansu and Yunnan provinces and in the municipality of Chongqing. Officials said many had died in collapsed buildings but did not give details, the news agency reported.

State media warned residents not to panic, even as they reported the possibility of further quakes and aftershocks.




-----------------------
These cyclones, tsunamis, earthquakes, and hurricanes are all starting to scare me, just a little.

I want to leave the country for the first time in 11 years,
I think I'll have about 5 weeks or so,
I'm thinking of either Peru, Europe, or the Himalayas.
I'm wondering if the festival of love is still going on in Peru in July,
if so, Peru it is. If not, it'll be something else, and if not even that,
it'll still be something I'm sure. Summers are always interesting.

I also just thought of maybe visiting the Sakya Centre in Spain, but it's just a thought I had earlier at work. Probably unrealistic finance-wise.

I wonder what dolphins say to each other. Maybe just something like "those things look like food. We should eat them," or "I am the green tortoise, run sideways." Maybe not the green tortoise thing, but hey, who knows.

"are you real?"
"-reflective pause- i believe so."
"sometimes i don't believe i am"
"do you question your experiences?"
"yes"
"i do too."

he and i. there is an everything-proof universal purple tether that connects our transparent beings, we are O N E and invincible and eternal. i am healed and forever blessed.

i wish i could cut multiply this feeling of peace and assurance and give it away in bulk for free to all of you. much like jesus multiplied the loaves of bread and fish and gave it to the hungry people. There really are no words to do it this sensation of fulfillment of existence justice.

happy mother's day to all you past, present, and future mothers (like ME!).